Don’t Compare Your Trauma. Instead, Validate your Trauma.

Don’t compare your trauma.

What do I mean by this?

Don’t compare your trauma to someone else’s trauma.

The details of a trauma do not determine the impact on a person, psychologically and physiologically.

The details or “facts” of a trauma do not tell the emotional memory details of that trauma. The trauma story does not share how the trauma affects the person with triggers from the trauma or how it affects their day-to-day life, their stress responses, or the physiological impact the trauma produces on their bodies.

Do not try to determine how bad someone else’s trauma is in comparison to your own or try to categorize the trauma stories.

Don’t say statements, like “Your trauma is so much worse than mine.”

These type of statements are not helpful.

They invalidate or diminish your own trauma, your experience, or your strong emotions connected to what occurred to you.

These statements will likely also bring up feelings of shame or guilt that you even have the emotions and stress responses you do because “someone else had it worse than you”.

This isn’t a comparison game. It isn’t helpful to compare the details or facts of the event or events that led to the types of trauma responses both people carry.

Both people have valid trauma and valid PTSD and valid trauma responses. It is not a desired outcome of an experience but is not something they themselves have control over. It is their amygdala’s job to categorize and process and store that emotional memory the person has— to include their trauma memory and triggers. They don’t have conscious control over their amygdala. Let’s be empathetic and caring toward one another and validate trauma and PTSD responses without comparison.

Rather than an invalidating statement, say helpful statements that produce commonality and connection and support like:

“That must have been so hard.” “I can’t imagine what that was like for you.” “How terrifying.” “I’m so sorry you went through that.”

“My trauma story is different but I can relate on such and such.” And state in what way you can relate to the other person— Typically, you’ll be able to relate on the emotions, the feelings, and the overwhelming nature of it.

You may also relate on the fight or flight responses you have, though different responses can occur for different people. You can enter into sacred and trusted spaces with them, honoring and thanking them for sharing their story with you and vice versa.

To honor and be entrusted with another’s trauma story and to share your own trauma story or stories is a powerful and healing thing.

It should not diminish the impact of the trauma or the triggering responses, but it should allow for the trauma survivors to not feel so alone, to feel validated, & to have support.

Always be careful with the words you say about another person’s trauma (as well as your own).

Don’t try to hurry them up in their healing. We all heal differently and have different capacity and timing for bravely facing therapy and healing, struggling with coping techniques and survival techniques at different points.

Encourage each other in their own healing journey. Be kind and thoughtful towards trauma survivors.

Encourage EMDR therapy. It is hard and it is life-giving to decrease the intensity of trauma responses and the intensity of fight or flight responses through EMDR therapy.